i did a thing today: https://instagram.com/p/BIEhvGUg8DG/

but, let’s back up.

as soon as i saw it, i knew I had to do it. i had to submit something. i had to CREATE something. so, i told folks. to keep me accountable. so i wouldn’t back out. so anxiety wouldn’t pull me out.

and oh, how it pulled.

monday was shoot day. as the hours crawled by, the jitters ate at me like anxious ants. i pondered many ways to escape it; many excuses to get out of it. oh, my period came. i’m cramping and a director shouldn’t be cramping during her shoot no matter how feminist she is. on the way to the set, i whipped up one last excuse. you’re a hack. you’re not good enough. there’s a reason why your shit has a 100% film festival rejection rate.

i did it anyway.

tuesday came along and i had to edit. i sat outside near the lagoon with macdaddy, as i cut and threaded, cut and threaded. i opened my food container and cut my thumb.

and. i. internally. freaked. out.

omg, my thumb is cut, nothing is going right, that must mean i should just toss this idea right out the window!!! maybe i shouldn’t.

i did anyway.

tonight, I finished up the final edits, toggling back and forth to get it to a perfect 60 seconds. one clip here; one clip there. heart pounding to the beat of the soundtrack. i juggled with the from-mac-to-instagram kerfuffle and uploaded it and…

… my heart stopped. i started shaking with the kind of euphoric release that songbirds croon about. i jumped around my room because i did it. i had beat anxiety. i had beat fear. fuck them both.

^_^

the girl had to compete against the christian brothers that coated his throat and the woman who shared his bond of booze.

the woman has to compete with the prettier, the more confident, the more experienced…

i feel like i’ve been in a race all my life. and i lose, every time.

whispers-of-the-rain:

• A: Alphabetize your CD’s or movies.
• B: Bake or cook something tasty, build a pillow fort, blow bubbles, blog, begin a mood journal, build a sandcastle, buy a plant and take care of it.
  
• C: Clean out your room, complete something you’ve been putting off, color coordinate your wardrobe, compliment someone (including yourself), chew gum, count backwards from 100, color with crayons, crochet, cut up fruits, crunch ice, create your own dance routine, call a friend, carve a pumpkin, color your hair, cook a favorite food, cuddle with a stuffed animal, count ceiling tiles, collect sea glass at the beach.
  
• D: Dance, draw, drink something healthy and refreshing, do jumping jacks, dress up, decorate your mirror with positive affirmations and favorite photos, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, doodle on sheets of paper, donate to the less fortunate, decorate a ceramic mug, drive to a farmer’s market.
  
• E: Exercise, eat your favorite snack, enter the secret door, embark on an afternoon adventure, enroll in a class.
  
• F: Fly paper airplanes, find oranges and apples in your fridge and draw silly faces on them, finish homework before it’s due, free write, fold origami, fly a kite, feed the ducks, birds, geese, and squirrels at a park.
  
• G: Go on a walk, get some fresh air, give yourself a facial, go on a long drive, go shopping, go to the library, garden, get a massage, give someone a hug, go to the movies, go to the grocery store and buy yourself some flowers, get a henna tattoo kit, give yourself a pedicure, go to the park and play on the swings.
  
• H: Have a picnic, hang out with friends or family, hug a soft toy, have a good cry.
  
• I: Invite a friend over.
  
• J: Join a gym or a club, jump rope, journal, jog, jump on a trampoline, join in on social activities.
  
• K: Knit something, like a scarf or a dishcloth.
  
• L: Listen to music, look through old photographs, light scented candles or sweet-smelling incense, learn another language, learn the alphabet backwards, laugh at jokes, list your strengths, lie outside in a hammock and watch the clouds roll by, listen to a guided relaxation (x, x, x, x, x), learn calligraphy.
  
• M: Meditate, make a smoothie, make a CD or playlist of your favorite songs, make a list of things you are thankful for, mail a care package to a far-away friend, make a collage with pictures of your favorite things, make friendship bracelets, make a glitter jar (x, x, x, and x), make a notebook filed with song lyrics and quotes you relate to.
  
• N: Name 3+ of your positive attributes, name all of your stuffed animals.
  
• O: Organize your closet.
  
• P: Play with a pet, paint a picture, piece together a puzzle, plan out your dream house, pop bubble wrap, practice deep breathing (5 counts in through your nose, 5 counts out through your mouth), play a board game or cards, play a video game, participate in sports, paint your nails a new color, print out your favorite bible verse (or quote if you aren’t religious) onto a card and memorize it, play a musical instrument, put on your favorite outfit, practice dance moves, punch a pillow, pull weeds in the garden, pop balloons, put on boots and stomp around, play with silly putty or play-doh, put together a scrapbook.
  
• Q: Quietly take some alone time to breathe, calm down, reflect, and relax.
  
• R: Read a good book, ride a bicycle, rock climb, read inspirational quotes, rearrange your bedroom furniture, rip up paper.
  
• S: Spend time with friends, sing, stretch, smile at a stranger, snuggle up in a warm blanket with a cup of hot chocolate or tea, squeeze a stress ball, surf the internet, smell lavender, send a handwritten letter to someone you love, sit outside in the sunshine, style your hair, string a necklace, smooth nice body lotion over your legs and arms, splatter paint, scribble on a piece of paper until the whole page is black.
  
• T: Take a relaxing bath or shower, take pictures of something pretty, tidy up your bed, toss confetti, throw a foam ball at an empty wall, try your hand at a Rubik’s Cube, treat yourself to some ice cream, tourist a city, travel someplace new, take a walk through the woods and breathe in the scent of the trees.
  
• U: Use positive affirmations (such as ”I can do this,” “I am a capable person”).
  
• V: Visit with a friend, visit your local animal shelter and play with the animals, volunteer for a cause.
  
• W: Watch your favorite movie or tv show, write poetry, window shop, watch cute animal videos on Youtube, work on a crossword puzzle, write down your feelings on a piece of paper and then rip it up.
  
• X: eXpress yourself through art or writing.
  
• Y: Try yoga, yell into a pillow.
  
• Z: Zzzz’s - take a nap! Rest is important.
  

Additional resources:

• Click HERE for more self-care activities
• Click HERE for distraction websites
  
• Click HERE for relaxation resources
• Click HERE if you need a smile
• Click HERE if you need a hug
• Click HERE for crafts

I need these from A-Z. Especially right before bed.

(via depressionresource)

he was once entangled in my dream. so much so, that i couldn’t tell the dream from him. now he’s gone, as if he woke up and i didn’t. or maybe it was the other way around. 

either way, i wish it didn’t matter so much. i wish i didn’t yearn to share the now-realized dream with him. i wish i didn’t need to hear “i’m proud of you.” i’m already in a 300-sized battle to the death to push the trauma of him out of my mind. and yet, he creeps. because of that dream. 

i wish that shit didn’t matter.

i tumbled about it here in the past. i’m really going. forreal. forreal forreal. i'mma need help doe. pls halp.

http://www.gofundme.com/TonjaReneeLA

fresh off having the time of my life and returning to reality. the highest of highs have an uncanny way of making the lowest of lows… lower. i can still taste what happy was like, even though it was fleeting. but, now, as i lie in a bed full of insecure and sad thoughts… that fleeting happiness is like a bad aftertaste.

i couldn’t stop crying on monday. but, i was funny the same night. funny how? like a clown… giving a near oscar-winning performance. and after the last curtain call, i cried again.

and i haven’t stopped.